• Vix


I like to think that I just go through life, happily getting on with things and then WHAM! Life hits you with something and it's so hard to stay positive. I've been having trouble with my hearing aid over the last week, it kept getting some sort of interference - it's a loud crackling noise in your ear and it is very distracting. On Saturday morning, I tried to clean it and it was still ridiculously loud and I had to take it out. As soon as I take my hearing aid out, I feel vulnerable and I start to get upset. My hearing aids feel like such a lifeline for me and I hate that I can't control when they break. I can't remember the last time I had to get my hearing aids replaced and then this year, of all years, both of them let me down. I never feel more deaf than I do when faced with only one hearing aid - the sound feels distorted without the other one and I really start to get very anxious.

Anyway, of course when a hearing aid breaks down, something important is usually due to happen and I had an important zoom call where I was expected to contribute. I logged on and while it was so lovely to see so many smiling faces I couldn't follow what was being said and had to switch off my video so they couldn't see me crying. I messaged the person taking the zoom call and they understood and covered for me.

It's hard to explain but I felt so frustrated at suddenly not being able to do what I've managed to do multiple times. It leaves me feeling inadequate and it makes me feel very deaf!! It's still an emotion I'm not comfortable with. If I'm honest, feeling deaf makes me feel weak and vulnerable. Why can't I be like hearing people who seem to be able to hear others so effortlessly? Why do they seem to take it for granted? I'm comfortable with being deaf but only when it doesn't inconvenience me! My morning was turned upside down because my hearing aid broke. It has that much control over how I live my life. Now I just want to hibernate again. Anyway, I have to wait 4 days for a telephone consultation with my doctor to ask him to refer me to the audiology clinic which will probably be in Maidstone as the Tunbridge Wells one is probably still closed and after waiting for my audiology appt to come through, I have to go through the whole ear thermometer/mask wearing drama again. Honestly, how my blood pressure levels are coping I'll never know.

I'll tell you one thing I do miss with all the mask wearing, is that I can no longer lipread the people walking past me in the shop or street, I haven't been on a bus but I used to sit on the tube or train and read people's lips!! It was never about anything exciting though!! I used to work in an office and one of my friends used to sit opposite me and whenever she had a bad day, she would simply mouth expletives always forgetting that I could lipread her - we had a good laugh about that! I suppose it's the hearing person's version of eavesdropping...

Anyway, whenever the hospital appointment arrives, I am determined to think positively and I'm sure it will no doubt go better than in the summer, with the hot weather no longer an issue for the temperature check, no need for ice cubes 🤞 and no getting your hair stuck in a fan trying to cool your ear down! Fingers crossed that appointment is sooner rather than later.

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