Braver than I've ever been....
I've been thinking a lot this past weekend as I have been in a reflective mood. It's almost a year since we first went into lock down and this year has been our most challenging yet as a family. Before the first lock down, we had no health worries, I forgot I was deaf and my boys were getting exercise walking to school and meeting their friends. 10 months later, we have got through a cancer diagnosis (Johnny got the all clear last week), I started a new job, the boys are stuck at home all day homeschooling and I've never felt more deaf.
Up until Covid, I think I was hiding how I really felt about my deafness and I think a part of me was embarrassed by it. Covid has forced me to show everyone who I really am and the journey has been terrifying. I've had to complain, make a fuss, admit I can't hear, I'm still waiting for my glitter moulds, I've struggled on zoom calls instead of face to face (I'm one hearing aid down again....) and I have to explain to strangers why I can't understand them. I'm the sort of person who likes to hide in the background but I've really had to start sticking up for myself more, trying not to be embarrassed or apologetic when I've had to explain. It has felt quite isolating. I think it would have really helped me if I knew someone who had a similar hearing loss to my own and what their experience has been. It's a strange feeling thinking that you're the only one who knows what it is like but I have been really encouraged by other people who have come forward to tell me that they have hearing issues too.
Dare I say it, but out of all this, even though I still get frustrated and angry, I think I'm coming out of my shell and feeling a little more confident as time goes by. I think my faith has played a huge part in accepting myself more, especially in the past year. And I do have a superpower! I can't forget I'm deaf while everyone is wearing masks and so I've had to really face that part of myself that I've always tried to ignore. But I think I'm getting to a place where I feel more comfortable being me and writing the blog has been quite a cathartic process. I feel vulnerable yet stronger than I've ever been. I feel braver than I did at the beginning.
On a separate note, guess who won slimmer of the week award twice? Since I started on 1st January, I've now lost 9lb. I think a new me may be starting to emerge!!!